Conscious State Re-entry

So I'm back to that comfortable, sometimes lonesome, though self-gratifying status of singularity in my life. Semantics aside, I am now at this moment living wholly and entirely for myself (well, kind of). I don't think that's a terrible place to be, especially after living for over a year with my life's emphasis on another. In a certain manner, it feels good to be selfish again.

I sit here in the school café, with my thoughts, and a decent amount of time with which to organize them, surrounded by a very positive vibe. I was talking to some very close friends last night over dinner, and I remembered saying to one that it was the Ancient Greeks who believed that among the wealthiest of their people were those who had the leisure to spend their time thinking. I really like this idea, and I remember it whenever I have too much free time, though most often when I become single. It helps me think positively on what has occurred, and what learning experiences I can hatch-mark on my wall of life lessons.

That being said. This time feels somehow different from the norm. I'm not quite wallowing in self-pity like in the past, in fact, I feel very rational about the whole thing. Perhaps being in Japan, "alone", for four months had something to do with this, but it all seems very matter-of-fact. Yes. Well, not to change the subject but, lately I've noticed how completely my mood changes based on the amount/lack of food that I've taken in. It's really amazing how drastically I can fluctuate without a filled gullet. Luckily I've noticed this, with the help of my first-rate shrink (aka Andy), and now get to the root of this issue before it even begins. Yay.

On a completely different tangent, I mentioned Andy here. This is rare, because I hardly recognize anyone by name in my entries. I'm very aware that this blog is open to prying eyes, and I prefer to protect everyone's anonymity. In this case, I couldn't think of something that wasn't completely pretentious to replace his name, so I figured his name would have to do. Plus, he's a very open person most of the time, so mentioning his first name to those of the public who will have no clue as to who I'm talking about regardless. Those privileged few who do, well, they would know who I'm talking about whether I mentioned his name or didn't. This whole paragraph is pointless. But that's okay.

Okay enough writing for now, I need to go feed my mood.

Purgatory

It's that waiting place in-between life and death. It's time you spend as a ghost, attending to your unfinished business. To put it simply, its boring, and somewhat painful, especially when you're conscious of the fact that something spectacular is on the horizon.

This is the state that I stand at this moment, or to be more literal, sit, as I've been sitting in this chair for a few hours now. I'm days away from a trip to a foreign country, Japan specifically, and I'm itching to get this "direful condition" over and done with.

I've made all due preparations, only packing remains, something that I purposely procrastinate on, due to my belief that my mind is in its prime state when under pressure.

When will this purification end? When do I achieve the holiness to enter the light of the sun's rays?

Four-letter Word.

Fuck being up at 3:30 am. Fuck the events that occur in the morning. Fuck insomnia. Fuck stress. Fuck worry. Fuck planning. Fuck socializing. Fuck late night television. Fuck the commercials in-between. Give me sleep or give me death.

Let's just get this shit over with. Shall we?

Soothing the Soul

The summer mentality has always been lax, and this makes it extremely difficult for me to concentrate on summer courses. Apparently it also makes it difficult to save money, because well, no money, no fun. We all have to work hard, but there is always has to be a balance of work and reward (at least, if you want to enjoy your life). Right now, I feel my rewards are out-weighing my work, and yes I feel this time is deserved.

For the time when I have to work, but want some satisfaction during, I listen to music. This audible phenomena is just that, and no matter what i'm doing, if i'm listening to music while doing it, I automatically do it better. I've just recently come back into my small hobby of keeping up with the new indie groups that continually develop out of Europe, Asia, and the US and just today I discovered two particularly killer groups.

The first artist hails from Norway, his name Erlend Øye, one half of the pop duo Kings of Convenience. Well, Erlend's album "Unrest" is just the opposite of what the title would suggest, his voice is smooth, backed by some keen electronic beats. It's extremely pleasant. The other, a British group called Zoot Woman (which was brought to my attention by my twin sister from another mister), is a sort of electronic project headed by Stuart Price, who produced a number of American and British pop groups. Either way, the music they play is awesome, melodic at times, never rough, and keeps a constant enticing beat throughout.

It's simple discoveries such as these that really bring me back to the reality of my life. When out five nights a week, drinking and dancing, and the world seems to be moving at hundreds of miles per hour, I'm brought back to a more livable pace by this music.

Aw, shucks.

Is there any degree to which one should end tolerance, and begin basking in anger? I often wonder where the line is between putting-up with and angry release, that one can easily cross and so immediately find the self in hot water. In addition, once this threshold has been crossed, should one relish in the experience, as though overcoming tension in a hotspring, or quickly arise to avoid boiling their skin?

Are anger, feelings, expressions of annoyance, things we should keep supressed? If only for the sake of status quo, to uphold the peace? If one cannot justify an utter explosion of verbal agression other than the buildup of months of holding back, is there any relief?

How should I know, I'm just one of those who explodes and finds that once the mushroom cloud has cleared, devastation has been wraught; dams holding back regret have burst open, overflowing with the acid that plagues my stomach to physical sickness. I mean, its terrible!

Why should one's empirical mood standard be lowered as a result of the steady flow of steam, at the cost of avoiding a bi-annual obliteration?

Even this solitary entry is scattered with the sad, emotional litterings that I despise to see in others' writs of complaint. Pathetic.
Ah well, had to be done.

*pictured: actress Nora Zehetner, perfect "aw shucks" look.